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07 July 2020 @ 09:25 pm

"nothing tastes better than feeling thin"
14 October 2010 @ 03:45 am
the high of the happiest place in the world, finding hidden secrets tucked away in the shadows of a public bus, watching in amazment as a world was created out of water and light. the power of music, and going to the closest thing i will ever get to hogwarts. the beauty of a blue sky, the simplicity of still water and the history hidden in the stones, the bricks, the streets. the cold winds that chill you right to the core, the bones that hide beneath our flesh and the things you never expect to find. towering castles and medieval secrets. the sound of music and forgotten churches with vows better left unsaid. the destruction, the terror, the hate. the beauty and the history. feeling lost, the relief of being found. the glitter, the gold, the glamour. the past and all it's beauty from years before. towering structures, and unimaginable feats. the bargins won, the bargins lost. the bright lights, the smoke. the clear sky, fresh night air.

hello world. i love you.
31 August 2010 @ 08:00 pm
for the first time in a long while i am happy. truly content with life. nothing could better than this. yet there are so many things that need to be done. so much left to do, so much money left to saved and yet i couldn't give a stuff. because for once in my young life i managed to get the guy i wanted. i managed to convince him of my awesomeness (well modesty has always been a strong suit of mine) and he's taken a chance on me. and i couldn't be happier, knowing that someone finds me as beautiful as he finds me. but this is just  whirlwind of emotions and a whirlwind of the last few days, and it's swept me off my feet and knocked me off my balance. and to be honest.

i'm scared.

this is the first time i've had a boyfriend. one that was sweet. one that is not creepy. one that actually, well, has a heart. and i do not want to ruin this. i do not want to hurt him, nor do i want to get hurt in the process. but like i said, it's been a whirlwind the last few days. i've been knocked off my feet, my balance has been messed up but i wouldn't change this for the world. but the novelty will wear off, and i'm just hoping that he will stick around. i will stick around.

because i'm scared. of fucking things up.

and i don't want to ruin this for myself. i'm happy. and i want to be happy.
23 August 2010 @ 10:39 pm
28 July 2010 @ 08:19 pm
i don't mean to only post here when things feel like average or i'm feeling stressed, but i suppose that's a purpose of a journal. it's really odd that i only write when i feel like a mess, or a wreck but i never seem to write down the memories that make me feel happy and content with the world. what can i say? i love to bitch and moan and like any other teenager i can find more things to be ungreatful for than to be actually greatful for. but i guess this post isn't going to be me writing down my miseries and wondering how my life got so shit. no, i have things to be greatful for. if anything, i'm damn blessed!

i mean, if i start off with the basic stereotypical things we are all greatful i have everything one could ever need. i have a roof over my head. i have access to food and clean water. i have clothes and shoes that can get me from a to b. i have a loving family. on a primal basis, i have everything a human being needs to survive, and i am greatful for that, i truly am. but in my mind that is what everybody should be greatful for, and i am blessed to have all the human neccessities.

but if i go beyond that, if i go beyond that stereotypical idea of what we should be greatful for and think of my own, well here's that list. i am greatful for the fact that i have a job, though i might not like it at times, it's a job that pays me well and lets face it, i'm a seventeen year old female. getting a job is hard at my age, and i am so damn thankful that i have one. i am greatful that i have the opportunity to travel (in a month, shit son, I GO AWAY IN A MONTH!). i am greatful that i am no longer the weight i was when i was fourteen and that i have the opportunity to loose that weight. drop the pounds, so to speak. i am greatful that i am intelligent, i am greatful that i am an independent person. i am greatful for so many things that i do not know how to word it to truly show how greatful i am.

so i know i come across as an ungreatful bitch. i know i have my flaws, and i keep my positive thoughts to myself when really i should share them to the world. i know i am judgemental, i know all this. i am aware of myself, but, i guess what i'm trying to say is, though i come across as a negative person, i'm not. i'm positive. i'm greatful. i'm so greatful for this life i have recieved.

and i guess, at the end of the day, i am sorry for the things i have fucked up. the relationships i have broken. the people i have pushed away and for these walls i have put up. i am so sorry.

and god willing, i hope i change.

over and out x
13 July 2010 @ 10:39 pm
today i ate:
a salad that was probably only like two or three hundred cals.
a mcchicken and chicken nuggets that was probably like a thousand all up.

top that up with two hours of constant walking and i suppose i worked off my mcdonalds, or at least some of it anywho! the diet is going good, i suppose. i still pretty iffy about life and stuff, but i suppose if i add some sort of structure in it, things will work out, right? i'm trying to arrange exercise in my life and get a love for it, but it's just getting hard. do not know why. i feel like time's running out for all the thiings that i want to do, but isnt that always the way, doesnt everybody feel like that? its that kind of thought that keeps me sane. that's for sure.

oh well, weighing myself at the end of this week and hopefully i would have lost a kg! figures cross. i'm aiming to loose a kg every week.
10 July 2010 @ 11:41 pm
today i ate
a bowl of museli (378)
muffin (189)
two biscuits (120)
and a subway sandwich (328)
which comes to a total of 1071 calories.
minus the 200 calories from my little work out i have apparently burnt.
so if anything, i should be losing some sort of weight, unless i've done the maths wrong. would not be the first time mind you.

i suppose i hope with the weight lost i will gain some sort of confidence from it all. i mean, my only friend who truly behaves like a friend, i'm bothered by because people notice her and not me. i'm always the one in the background, i hide behind others, because... i don't know. i mean for a while i've been fine hiding in the background, guess i'm just sick of it all. a lot of my friends are thin, a lot of them get a shit load of attention from others. and i have always let my weight define me, and for a while i've been okay with it. being the "fat" girl. it's all i've ever known. so people have problems with lies, substance abuse, my issue, my issue is with food. it's always been there for me, and i've always hated it all the same. and because of that my self esteem has always been at an all time low, it's not fun, shit son, it's not even great. but out of it has been me. and i guess, i'm afraid what will happen, who i will be if i do loose this weight. but i mean, i have too for my own sanity.

i blame everything on my weight issues. and i either have to take responsbility for it, or do something the fuck about it. and i'm going with the second option. it makes a lot more sense in my own head, than i can put down into words. i just want to be the pretty girl, i want to be the girl that people go out of there way to talk too. i mean, in time for uni, i want to have the confidence i never had in highschool. i want a university experience, filled with regrets, mistakes and late night wanderings. and i will get that. starting with dropping the weight. it's going to be hard, but i've done it before.

and shit son i will do it again.
09 July 2010 @ 07:53 pm
i have decided that today will be my last day of feeling miserable. no more sitting in my room, alone, disgusted with what i see in the mirror. no more wallowing in my own self pity, i did this to myself, i let myself go, and there is no one else in the world that holds the responsibility. only i do. and i can stop this if i want too, it ends here with me. i mean, it does right? my god of course it does. i did this to myself, and as much as i want to sit in my room and blame my environment, blame boys for not giving me a second look, blame them all for the scars they left before, it is MY fault. MY responsbility. it's me. and it always has been me. and fuck i'll stop feeling this way if i want too.

these are the reasons why i want to drop the extra baggage:
- to feel better about myself, in a healthier way.
- to look in the mirror and be okay with what i see
- to wear clothes and the fashions that i want to wear
- to make sure no one can call me fat again
- to feel pretty
- to get laid.

so the last one is a bit of a joke, but i know humour is the only thing that will get me through. because starting tomorrow, i will wake up, i will go for a run. starting tomorrow, i will think what i want to eat and make a healthier start. i will cut the calories, and up the exercise. it is the only way.

so the only thing i can say is, goodbye to the fat that has weighed me down all these years. cause there is no way in hell i'm letting it dictate my life any longer. no fucking way.
08 July 2010 @ 11:40 pm
currently i weight 84 kg. the last time i checked i'm 170cm tall. convert this into pounds, and well, i'm 184 and 5'5. not a great sight, isn't it?

all the sights i'm on all use the american system, such as calories, measuring in feet, pounds and all that lovely jazz. i suppose it gives a good indication of what i need to look out for, how i need to eat, and how many calories i should be eating to have any chance of loosing weight! like this interesting statistic, apparently if reduce to my calorie intake to 1579.3 a day, i will loose one pound a week without exercising. that is roughly 6663 kilojules a day.

if i jog for twenty minutes (it will burn off 221 calories) and do yoga in the morning (it will burn off 111 calories) that means i will burn off a total of 342 calories. or 1463 kilojules. which should, theoretically, burn off my fat.

but i've gotta keep in mind, i need 1679 calories to keep my body functioning. so this plus reducing my calorie intake to 1579 and burning 342 calories, i should, in theory, loose weight and burn off. the thing is, eating lets me down the majority of the time.and exercising as well.

so in short, if i reduce my calorie intake, i should drop the weight. the exercise will just kick it all back into gear as well. so wish me luck!
08 July 2010 @ 07:00 pm
today has been average. i did a ten minute work out, that felt like it has done nothing, ate far too much. but hey at least its a start right? i suppose i should write down the reasons why i want to loose the weight. for the obvious reasons, to be healthy, to be able to fit into my old clothes, to look in the mirror and be content with what i see. and also for the vengeful reasons as well, to get back at the people who have mocked me behind my back. i want to go back and make them all eat their words.

but like i said, today did not go all too well. =/ i will get there though. i will.